Holiday Weekend

So here’s the skinny… I’ve been looking for an excuse to buy a decent bbq for about two years now, and Suzy has finally given me two. One, is birthday party which is coming up later in July (exact details to follow), and the other is UFC 86, which is on next Saturday, the 5th. What better reason to cook up some red meat than to watch Forrest Griffen and Quinton ”Rampage” Jackson beat on each other? Here’s why this fight is going to be amazing: No one in the light heavyweight division of the UFC hits harder than Jackson, and no one takes a hit better than Griffin. This is a guy who described his game plan for his FIRST BIG FIGHT in the league thusly: “I plan to go out there and then get hit in the face, and work out a game plan from there, because you always need that first pop to mouth to remember that you’re in a fight.”

Griffin is HARD EFFING CORE.

Anyway, anyone who wants to come bask in the glory of two warriors fighting for the UFC Light Heavyweight Championship, let me know. The fight is going to run about $45.99, which means if I get enough people together, everyone will only have to chip in a couple bucks. Suzy and I will provide food.

Who’s interested?

In honor of Harvey Korman…

Rest in peace. The greatest straight man in the business. Even though he never seemed to be able to keep a straight face.

Genius…

Put Tim Conway and anyone else in a room. Mention the word “elephant.” Hilarity ensues. Thanks to Evan for reminding me of this.

Epiphany

People are not a product of society, a society is the product of the people. Discuss.

The Gym

Well, I finally did it… Again… I joined 24 Hour Fitness on Tuesday. I’ve been 3 times so far, and have already lost 5 pounds. It was completely necessarry, seeing as how my starting weight was a touch over 300. That’s right. A pound per Spartan at the Battle of Thermopylae. A pound per soldier in Gideon’s army. 300 is a perfect score in bowling, but a failing score in being sexy. Let’s admit it. BUT, I am doing what I need to do to lose weight. For instance, I rode the equivalent of 20 miles on a stationary bike at the gym this morning. That’s ALMOST a marathon. I need help, though, to stay diligent. Volunteers?

Writer’s Block

I hate writer’s block. I think it’s dumb. I get so far into every single project I work on, and then BAM!, I can’t seem to churn out anything worth while. I don’t know what to do to rid myself of it, other than just keep writing, but what’s the point if everything I write is crap? AARRGHH!!! It’s just SO frustrating! I want to finish my screenplay, and it’s just sitting there. It makes me want to punch myself in the face. I totally would, if I thought it would help, but I think it would mostly just get blood on my keyboard. If you are at all creative and you are reading this, please, help me out. Show a brother some love. Give me some ideas.

My weekend…

My weekend started innocently enough… Hanging out with friends on Friday, with some of Suzy’s pasta and chocolate chip banana bread in my belly.

Then my mom calls at 6 on Saturday morning. “There’s something I think you should know…” she starts off. These sentences never end well. She goes on to tell me that my father is sending everyone an email apologizing for his behavior. If you know my dad, you know this is a huge step. He’s never shown any real remorse for the stuff he did (I won’t go into detail here).

A couple hours later, he calls me. “I want to get my life right, and I was wondering if I could move there and stay with you guys while I get back on my feet.”

The first response to pop into my head was “No way!” My family and I have given him numerous chances to get his life right and we had no reason to trust him this time. But immediately, I heard God’s voice ask me “Isn’t this what you were fasting for? If it takes moving in with you to get your dad back into church, are you really going to turn him down?” I felt so convicted. I remembered all the times before my dad really started screwing up that we spent together. So I told him he could stay with us, but that if he’s really serious about all this, he would have to prove it by going to Celebrate Recovery.

So, if you went swing dancing on Sunday night and were wondering where my wife and I were, we were rearranging all the furniture in our house to make room for a guest. And now I’m sore.

Just thought I’d share.

Stockholm Syndrome

I know… It’s a weird thing to write a song about, but who can argue with a guy who can do the windmill, and then do what this guy does about 3 minutes in. Look for the shot down the guitar’s neck…

Blog… Bloggage… Blogarino…

So, the almighty Hosh as been bugging me to blog more, but I don’t really know what to say. I mean, I could complain about someone, but everyone would know who it was and it wouldn’t fix the problem, so it would just be gossip, and I don’t feel like doing that. It’s just not cool.

So instead, I’ll give people something to pray about.

I need a camera. Like, a really nice video camera. Preferably the AG-DVX100 by Panasonic, which runs about $3k. I know that’s a lot, but that’s what I’m beleiving for. Pray for me.

8 Simple Rules…

I’m sure most people are aware of the TV show “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.” What most people don’t know, is that these rules were based on an article written by the man John Ritter’s character was based on.

 Here are the rules as presented in that original article. I was struck today by how much they are an accurate representation of how a dating relationship between two christians should be, especially with regard to how much respect should be shown to the girl’s father:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

What do you think?