February 12, 2009

So, here’s the deal. My life has been pretty crazy lately, what with the job that involves tons of travel, the weight lifting (Thank you Wes and Aaron) and the baby.

No, Suzy and I did not birth a child. We adopted a retarded really sweet puppy a few months ago who has proven to be a handful. Just two weeks ago she climbed up on the ottoman RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and proceeded to somehow release a gallon of urine from her tiny body. Gross.

Anyway, I’m sitting in my hotel room in Maryland, and I decided to share something with you that makes me happy when I get depressed. It is the wonder that is known as The Lonely Island. If you’ve seen Hot Rod, you know exactly what I’m talking about. They also are the minds behind THE BEST thing about Saturday Night Live lately, “SNL Digital Shorts.” Below is three versions of two shorts: I’m On A Boat, and Jizz in My Pants. I’ve included both the clean and album versions of I’m On A Boat, but I suggest the album version. There’s just something hilarious about two white guys screaming “Mother F*&$ker!” on the bow of a yacht wearing tuxedos. Trust me. Plus the clean version has some awkward edits.

Now, what makes these particular shorts so awesome is the way they are perfect parodies of both the sound and look of the styles in which they are written. I’m On A Boat looks just like a video from P. Diddy or some other standard rapper, with the exception that the rappers are Andy Samberg and Sean Brage. The other is a picture perfect parody of all those crappy brittish dance bands from the 80s and 90s.

I’m On A Boat (Album):

I’m On a Boat, clean version:

Jizz in My Pants:


What if?

November 4, 2008

So, here I am, sitting in my hotel room in Germany (I might blog about that later). It’s 7:41 here currently, and I’ve been awake since 1 a.m.

I got my TV working just in time to find out that apparently, I’ll be going home to a nation that is one step closer to socialism.

I can’t help but think “What if this is what changes everything?” What if this election is the one that causes the United States of America, the greatest nation on earth, to crumble and fall? It happened to Rome, can it happen to us? Can a change of leadership in a country that is supposed to be “for the people” cause it to perish from this earth?

I’m not saying Barack Obama is the antichrist, or that he’s a bad person, but what I am saying is that our enemies are definitely celebrating his victory. CNN and the BBC conducted a poll of 22 nations, and 3 to 1 the response was that they wanted Obama to be our next president. In times past, that would have been enough to ensure a John McCain victory. When did we as a nation become so concerned about appearances? Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? That’s like the CEO of a company asking the janitor what he should do about a conflict with the investors. I mean, sure, we can’t just say “screw the rest of the world,” but we need to be more concerned with what’s going to benefit our country than what the rest of the world thinks is best.

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am. We need, now more than ever, someone in office who knows how to handle difficult situations and how to stay strong in the face of adversity. If anyone knows how to stay strong, it’s a POW.

Bad form, America. Bad form. Hope you enjoy unemployment and higher taxes. That’s what you’ll get for the next four years.


It’s been a while…

August 29, 2008

Well, here it is: My first post in almost exactly two months. “Where have you been?” you may be asking yourself (unless you’re a Malone). Well, whether you have been wondering or not, I’m going to tell you.

My wife and I have made the difficult decision to stop attening Orchard Road regularly. It’s not because of some doctrinal change the church made or anything. The reason is simple: I rolled into the gas station this morning with a quarter of a tank of gas. So, I wasn’t even on empty. I left with a full tank and a bank account $75 lighter. When we were attending ORCC and leading Complete, we would fill our tank twice a week. That’s just too much money right now. Unless we both get huge raises or gas prices drop dramatically, it’s just not economically feasible.

Speaking of raises, I have made the decision to change jobs. As of September 8, I will be starting my new position as Field Technician for Ticora Geosciences. Basically, I’ll be going to well sites and testing core samples for natural gas. Ticora is owned by Weatherford International. They also own Omni Laboratories, which is where my wife Suzy works. As of the end of this year, we will be working in the same building. So that’s cool.

Also, I’ve made some physical changes since the last time most of you have seen me. First off, I’ve cut my hair. It was out of control. And annoying. And hot. So it’s gone. Maybe for good, maybe not. We’ll see. Also, I’ve lost about 35 pounds since May. I’m pretty excited about that one. I’ve ran an average of a little more than 5 miles every day for the last 20 days or so, so that’s real cool.

Also we got a new dog. Her name is Ally. She’s cute.

What have you been up to? I’m curious.


Holiday Weekend

June 27, 2008

So here’s the skinny… I’ve been looking for an excuse to buy a decent bbq for about two years now, and Suzy has finally given me two. One, is birthday party which is coming up later in July (exact details to follow), and the other is UFC 86, which is on next Saturday, the 5th. What better reason to cook up some red meat than to watch Forrest Griffen and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson beat on each other? Here’s why this fight is going to be amazing: No one in the light heavyweight division of the UFC hits harder than Jackson, and no one takes a hit better than Griffin. This is a guy who described his game plan for his FIRST BIG FIGHT in the league thusly: “I plan to go out there and then get hit in the face, and work out a game plan from there, because you always need that first pop to mouth to remember that you’re in a fight.”


Anyway, anyone who wants to come bask in the glory of two warriors fighting for the UFC Light Heavyweight Championship, let me know. The fight is going to run about $45.99, which means if I get enough people together, everyone will only have to chip in a couple bucks. Suzy and I will provide food.

Who’s interested?


In honor of Harvey Korman…

May 30, 2008

Rest in peace. The greatest straight man in the business. Even though he never seemed to be able to keep a straight face.



May 30, 2008

Put Tim Conway and anyone else in a room. Mention the word “elephant.” Hilarity ensues. Thanks to Evan for reminding me of this.



May 16, 2008

People are not a product of society, a society is the product of the people. Discuss.